failure

I’ve been in the best mood lately…well that’s a lie. I’ve been in a better mood is better worded. I have days where I feel like I am at the top of the world, other days I feel like I have everyone tricked into thinking I am ok while I feel like I am losing control or slowly slipping off the end of my rope with no knot to hang on to at the end. While I know my life is in a pretty good place right now I can’t help but feel like someone is about to pull the rug out from underneath me. I just keep waiting for it. I’ve had a few hiccups lately, but just waiting to fall flat on my face, show up naked in front of a thousand strangers, that kind raw humiliation. What kind of life is that?? Always waiting for failure? I’m talking about in my personal life, in my work life, in my social life, somewhere…I just feel like something is going to happen any day now…and if anyone knows me at all, they know I like to be prepared. I’m the girl who is usually 15-30 min early for any appointment or work, carries an umbrella in the car just in case, extra uniform in the trunk. I like being prepared, I like having a set schedule, I like itineraries. I hate being late, I hate being rushed, I HATE failure.  I hate disappointing people, especially people who rely on me.  

Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good

I know that times change, people change, and life is always changing. The thing is you don't always see the changes taking place and then one day you look back a few months, a year, a few years and are shocked to see the differences. Sometimes you barely recognize the old you, your old friends who aren't even in your life anymore. Hopefully the change is for the better, a better you, a better life, a happier you and life. 

I know that's where I am in life right now. While some changes have me stressed, like the changes at work, other changes have me grinning like a kid on Christmas morning. 

Let's start with work. First off, I love my career, I love being a paramedic, that has not changed; what has changed is the environment in which I work that I used to love, that used to make you feel like part of a family. Now it feels like an ugly divorce with an even uglier custody battle. About 8 months ago we merged with the other medic unit within our hospital system, while it is the logical thing to do, it has been nothing but a heartache and a headache since. We (the medic group I was part of) went from about 8 full-time and 15 part-timers to now almost 150-175 staff total, we went from one supervisor who stood up for us, fought for us, and put us on a more then even keel with the nurses and docs in the ER, to 6 white shirts (which he was initially one of, until he felt it best to step down 3 months later leaving us with 5 white shirts). The supervisors that barely take the time to learn your name let alone recognize your face if they saw you in public. When issues came about in the ER, it felt like we just got blamed instead of them standing up for us, like our previous supervisor had. Sure, we got a pretty new truck with the merge, a truck we had been begging for for 6 years and the promise of like-new, refurbished monitors (which have yet to be seen still at this point). The management has left a lot to be desired at this point, not just by me but by several. This particular medic company has been around for 30 years and has always produced many prideful medics, who worked for this company for 10-15 years, some even longer. The morale of this place used to be amazing, they were considered to be elite medics in this area. And now? Now nobody gives a damn, people are looking for other jobs, people have taken other jobs. New management has been cleaning house, firing folks who aren't following the rules. They have decided to cut our staff form 4 medics 24/7 to 3. 3 paramedics to cover the entire county! There is so much more!! I just feel like this is going to impact the community in a negative way. But I'm just pee-on. I come in, do my job, go home and collect my paycheck and just be grateful that I have a job. 

Ok, enough negativity! Positive changes have been happening too. My little sister is expecting a baby boy in June! Its her first child and my 3rd niece/nephew. I am so excited! As if that news wasn't exciting enough my sister-in-law announced last week that she too is pregnant and due in August! (sex of the baby is yet to be known) I have been making amends with my biological mother, we have had a couple phone conversation on the last couple weeks and had some very heartfelt conversations. I had a lot of anger and frustrations that I simply just had to let go, otherwise I'd lose that relationship forever, and I honestly didn't want that. I've been in a relationship for close to 6 months now with the most amazing man. He is the kindest, funniest, gentlest, and most honest man I have ever known, besides my father. Did I mention he's rather handsome? (This is where he says "The generosity of women never ceases to amaze me") I would never say these things let alone blog them of I didn't believe them. 

So these days I try to focus more on the good, and less on the bad, because after all, what can I do about it?  Absolutely nothing!!