Tuesday, September 28, 2010

a friend and a prayer

It amazes me how you can find a friend in someone you never thought you would. Tonight I was chatting with a friend who works as an emt at a local fd that I run mutual aid with as a medic and we had what was a very emotional conversation for me and I don’t think they even knew it. We got on the topic of how I have wanted to lose weight for some time now but I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do it either doesn’t work or only for a little bit. I was not expecting to get nearly as emotional as I did. I found myself not just shedding a tear or two at how kind he was being and how encouraging he was trying to be but I found myself sobbing, sitting in the medic office at work crying like a damn blubbering fool.  This is a person who until tonight I considered only an acquaintance of work. It was great joy to learn they could be a source of encouragement and motivation.  I have had so much going on in my personal life that I feel like I am losing control, slowly but surely. I feel like I was spun in circles and let loose in a dark room with a lot of random objects to run into and stumble over. I have tried deep breathing, I have tried reading, I tried throwing myself into my Bible, but I feel like either its not working or Im not doing it right. This is the second time I have ended up crying today…earlier was in public while at the doctor office and I have no idea what provoked it.  

Please help me! Guide me closer to you, if I can give all my burdens to you and live for you then everything else won’t matter! I need to shed myself of the things that are standing between you and me, the things that I have let into my life and run it instead of listening to your plan.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I am looking at having to board my dog for the first time. I am almost in tears, this is ridiculous! There is a schedule problem with my roommate and I. I will basically be working a 24 and she gets off at 6am but has plans to go visit her sick grandmother, but shes not 100% sure. So I would rather play it safe and have him boarded than her not be here and me not be here, thats just cruel! I called my boss from work for a recommendation and the place he recommended is an animal hospital, but they are full, so I asked them for a recommendation and am checking them out now....i just want the best for my little guy....

Sunday, September 12, 2010

filling a void

So recently I have been doing a lot of self research. By self research I mean trying to figure out what I want in life, where I wanna see myself in the future, what I can get out of my life. The more research I did the more I realized there was something missing, and that maybe I was searching in the wrong direction for the wrong things. When I was in high school I had what felt like a tight-knit relationship with Christ. I was very involved in various church activities and also with a Christian organization known as Young Life. When I went off to college my relationship with Christ slowly dissipated, I didnt have strong support of friends and family I had and I apparently was not strong enough in my faith to stay close to God. I did my own thing and experienced the world. It has only been in the last year or so, even more in the last few months that I realized I want that relationship back, I want to renew my faith. So I have recently begun the task of "church shopping" trying to find I church where I feel welcomed and comfortable, one that can help me grow in a relationship with Christ, one where I dont feel like just another face, one that has a good young adult ministry to help me, because I honestly feel like I  have been spun around until I am dizzy and then let loose in a pitch black cave to find my way out.

I have attended the United Methodist church here in town a few times, I was raised Methodist so I knew the service would be familiar, and it was....I even got invited to the young adult ministry group, which consisted of 3 others. A new group without a real plan for the class. And they were as nice as can be, they made me feel welcome, and included me on the planning for the next year of possibilities for the group, but the church in whole I dont feel is what I am really interested in, they didnt have the strong base for a young adult group like I am interested in, and only offer one contemporary service a month.

Today I tried a new church, one that sounded great online, it was supposed to be a community church, non-denominational. Well I found the building, double checked the address, but the name of the church was not the same as I had seen online, but decided to go anyways. I sat through an hour of the service and was completely taken aback by some of the things I heard. While they had the contemporary music, the rest of the leadership lacked a lot, there was no real theme for the service, they quoted multiple scriptures on tithe and offerings before asking the congregation to walk up and place offerings and then just continued to quote random scripture and have random people come up and give testimonials, anyone who felt like talking they gave a mic to....and then started talking about things in heaven I had never heard before. I didnt want to get up and leave and be rude, but I also was very uncomfortable staying. When an hour into the service they had a stand up and greet people time, I quietly slipped out the back and left.

I will do some more searching this week, and hopefully try a new one next week, meanwhile I am going to try and do more reading in my Bible and pray for direction and then Im going to sit and listen, and hope I hear what God has to say.....