failure

I’ve been in the best mood lately…well that’s a lie. I’ve been in a better mood is better worded. I have days where I feel like I am at the top of the world, other days I feel like I have everyone tricked into thinking I am ok while I feel like I am losing control or slowly slipping off the end of my rope with no knot to hang on to at the end. While I know my life is in a pretty good place right now I can’t help but feel like someone is about to pull the rug out from underneath me. I just keep waiting for it. I’ve had a few hiccups lately, but just waiting to fall flat on my face, show up naked in front of a thousand strangers, that kind raw humiliation. What kind of life is that?? Always waiting for failure? I’m talking about in my personal life, in my work life, in my social life, somewhere…I just feel like something is going to happen any day now…and if anyone knows me at all, they know I like to be prepared. I’m the girl who is usually 15-30 min early for any appointment or work, carries an umbrella in the car just in case, extra uniform in the trunk. I like being prepared, I like having a set schedule, I like itineraries. I hate being late, I hate being rushed, I HATE failure.  I hate disappointing people, especially people who rely on me.