Monday, April 12, 2010

new hopes, new aspirations

So I have begun to realize that this blog is a mess of sorts. I don't stick to any certain topics, and I honestly am ok with that. The idea of my blog was just a place where I could write stuff out to get it out of my head and off my chest. I have been selective in my personal life who has access to this blog but dont seem to care that any other bloggers might find it and read it. Today I reached a long time awaited goal of mine. I have been a "big" girl for a while. I reached my heaviest weight in the winter of 2008 at 318lbs. I had always promised myself I would never let myself reach 300, and I didnt stick to that. I have struggled with my weight sine I was approx 10 years old. In high school I began to get it under control by playing volleyball my freshman year. My sophomore year I didnt make the team, (major defeat #1)but I was still trying by running a mile a day, until I was chased down and tripped on purpose by a kid on roller blades with a hockey stick. That was major defeat #2 After that I quit trying. I used to sneak snacks and sodas at home, I'd go to fast food drive thrus between school and dinner time, Id go out with friends for food after dinner in the evenings. My parents tried several things to help me. They tried telling me the reason I didnt have many friends was because of my weight, they tried bribing me with a car if I lost weight. They tried to verbally remind me at meal times what I should be eating or drinking and how much and about not eating second helpings, all those things did was make me angry, angry at them, andgy at myself, and angry at the world. When it came time college I chose one far from home, to get away and have an excuse to not be there. I was suddenly in complete control of my actions. I ate and drank whatever I chose whenever I chose. I stayed on a plataeu for a while. 5 yrs of college came and went and I had slowly gained weight, throughout the next 3 years, during college I had made some friends and lost some friends. I joined the fire department early on in college and got involved in EMS. I tried several things to help control my weight and health and failed miserably on my own due to lack of motivation, lack of self respect, and lack of self discipline. I tried working out with some of the boys at the fire department but knew everytime I tried something and couldnt keep up or had difficulties they were making fun of me behind my back and that feeling of defeat washed over me again, just like back in high school. Then I met someone, someone who I would have done anything for, who I wanted to do everything for. He made me more happy than I ever could have imagined. We spent all ofour spare time together and became very close. We had several discussions about us and where we saw our relationship going and he expressed his concern for my health in several conversations. It felt like it became a game of "if you change, if you lose weight, then we can be together" I know he was conerned but he had poor ways of showing it. We constantly ate fast food instead of cooking in, instead of encouraging us to go  on a walk we stayed in, sitting in silence or watching a movie or studying. I am not blaming him for my problem but I place blame on him for leaving when I had not changed. I became depressed. I was alone, I was overweight, and I was putting on an act that I didnt care about either. The more I tried to hide it the worse my depression became. I began to notice myself becoming even less active, eating more junk, and taking worse care of myself physically. I was still capable of getting out of bed and showering and getting myself to work and school, but outside of that I holed myself up in my bedroom with whatever snack food I was craving and had gotten a hold of with my TV shows or my computer and I quit answering the phone, I would answer text messages but was in  no mood or condition to socialize with anyone.

In January of 2009 I turned a new leaf. I had discovered I had exceeded my 300lb maximum. I had started a new job in the Paramedic field in September of 2008, in October 2008 I fell and completely tore a ligament in my ankle and fx it as well. It was during my time in physical therapy I began to think about what this injury could mean for my career and if it would have been less severe if I was not as obese. My physical therapy proved to be a challenge many times due to my ankle instability and my size. I realized during PT just how much I hate seeing myself in a mirror when I forced to practice some PT in front of one and in front of other pts. It was then that I decided I wanted to better, I needed to better myself, this time for me. Not for my parents, not for my best friend, but for me. So I started paying attention to what I was eating, when I was eating, and how much I was eating. It amazing how just doing that little bit can make a difference. After making a few residential moves I now live close enough to work that I can walk to work in 7-8 min. I have been trying to better myself and to not allow myself to make up any excuses, because God know I am way too good at that. In the last 6 months I have somehow slimmed down to 299 lbs, a number i had been waiting to see for a while now. Just last week I decided it was time to step up the game plan. I have decided to oust soft has been tough, I need my caffeine that I am oh so addicted to. I am also trying to get into a routine of walking appprox 30 min hopefully 3 times a week. I would like to get down to 275 lbs by my next birthday, September 14th.  I am not sure I can do this, but I want to..... So here's to life, here's to living, and trying to right so many bad habits...

1 comment:

MedicMatthew said...

Wow. I was reading this post thinking to myself "She's practically talking about me"

My story parallels yours in many ways, unfortunately I'm still at that point where I can't find my motivation. I'm deathly afraid of getting bigger and I know that if I continue to go without change than I'll eventually be able to add diabetes to my other comorbidities.

I don't want to be fat, but I can't seem to get out of my own way sometimes.

Keep up the work. Keep us posted. And if you find yourself getting stuck feel free to email me my email address is in my blogger profile.