the unexpected

Being in EMS we all know things don't always go as planned. You can try to prepare, but sometimes things take you by surprise. Hurricane Sandy was one of those surprises. I have always wanted to go to EMS World, well for a few years now anyhow. I've just never had the means. Well, this year was the same until I was donating money at a local fundraiser (ok I was playing bingo, I admit it!) and I won a nice little chunk of change, enough to allow me to purchase a plane ticket anyways. I talked to a few friends who were going and the stars aligned just right and I was offered a place to sleep so I could attend this year (felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity to me!) and it meant I could attend the wedding of a friend, MsParamedic!! Well, then Sandy hit. I was worried about my flight, I was watching it like a hawk...then I got the news...the friend who had offered me a place to sleep was stuck in NJ with no place to go until Saturday!! By then it would be too late. He tried to make alternate arrangements for me, I tried to make alternate arrangements for me, but I had no extra money to afford a hotel for myself, and everyone who was already there was so wrapped up in the conference and the events surrounding it no one was able to get back to us. I had a decision to make...as much as it pained me and disappointed me, I cancelled my flights 8 hours before I was to board my plane. I'm not going to lie...I cried...a lot for the first 12 hours...then I realized something...what the hell was my problem? I had a roof over my head, heat in my house, electricity, food, water. There were people a mere 4 hours from me who did not have these things, people that I know, people I call friends!! I had friends in New York and New Jersey who were suffering a hell of a lot more than me because of this horrific storm. People had lost their homes, their savings, their LIVES, and I was upset because I couldn't go on a trip! I was being so selfish and self-centered! So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to pray for those in need. I couldn't do much else for them. I tried to reach out to those I could on Facebook and Twitter and let them know I was thinking about them and praying for them. And I just kept reminding myself just how damn lucky I was and how good I have it...

Ok, I know it has been a while. Life has been crazy and hectic. I am hoping to get something up here soon about  my recent experience with the wonderful CoEMS family and time spent socializing/networking at EMSToday 2011.

As always, thanks for stopping by!

update on life

So I have really been lacking on this blog. But I guess life has its own plans and sometimes we just get swept up into it. So heres what I have been doing: I am still working my 60 hrs a week. I am looking at possibly quitting my part time job of 24 hours a week as a transport medic to babysit 16 hrs a week for one of the cutest babies I have seen, I interviewed with the parents yesterday and am waiting to hear what they think and what they are willing to pay. (I think I'll be happier doing that at less pay...I am afraid of burnout.) As far as my weight loss efforts go I weighed in at 288lbs on Wednesday. So still slowly losing....I actually made it to the gym once this week, was going to go again, but ended up with a terrible GI bug that landed me in the ER for some fluids and meds. I have NEVER had stomach pain that bad. Things with the roommate are still tense. I was under the impression (from the landlord) she was getting evicted but she doesnt seem to think so... We barely talk these days except for polite hellos and goodbyes and how are you's. Buddy, my trusty canine sidekick, is doing pretty well. I will be calling the vet this week to get him a check-up, his eyes are starting to look a little funky and I just wanna make sure he is ok. In the dating world I met a guy named Ian recently who seems like a really nice guy. Taking things one day at a time, not rushing into anything or getting my hopes up. Im tired of being hurt and used. So thats about it, exciting life I know.... Thanks for stopping in and checking on me!

Apparently I have the words "sucker" or "doormat" or something similar written across my forehead in ink that I can not see and cant seem to wash off either. I am so sick and tired of people taking advantage of me, lying to me, and leading me in directions just to leave me lost and alone. I am hanging on to the end of a rope and I am tiring rather quickly. Just when it seems I am moving forward in a positive direction someone feels the need to push me down or trip me. These people range from my closest friend to people I just met, to my own relative.
I am a good and kind person. I help out my friends in need, I lend a shoulder to cry to on, an ear to talk to without judgment or advice. In return, I feel used and unappreciated.
I have tried to focus on just me, to try and heal myself, to better myself, but Im not that person. Im the person people call at 3am to come and pick them up. Im the person who will drop whatever I am doing to hold your hand through a rough time, to bring a box of tissues when the tears start to fall.
I love the person I am. I am not afraid to show my emotions, but I am afraid to tell you how I feel, afraid I'll lose a friend. But maybe you werent a friend to begin with....

Well, I am done. I am done. We all know I say that but that I will just suck it up, pretend everything is ok. Thats what I do. Its what Im good at. When I find that person who can tell the difference, I know I will have found a real friend.

a friend and a prayer

It amazes me how you can find a friend in someone you never thought you would. Tonight I was chatting with a friend who works as an emt at a local fd that I run mutual aid with as a medic and we had what was a very emotional conversation for me and I don’t think they even knew it. We got on the topic of how I have wanted to lose weight for some time now but I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do it either doesn’t work or only for a little bit. I was not expecting to get nearly as emotional as I did. I found myself not just shedding a tear or two at how kind he was being and how encouraging he was trying to be but I found myself sobbing, sitting in the medic office at work crying like a damn blubbering fool.  This is a person who until tonight I considered only an acquaintance of work. It was great joy to learn they could be a source of encouragement and motivation.  I have had so much going on in my personal life that I feel like I am losing control, slowly but surely. I feel like I was spun in circles and let loose in a dark room with a lot of random objects to run into and stumble over. I have tried deep breathing, I have tried reading, I tried throwing myself into my Bible, but I feel like either its not working or Im not doing it right. This is the second time I have ended up crying today…earlier was in public while at the doctor office and I have no idea what provoked it.  

God,

Please help me! Guide me closer to you, if I can give all my burdens to you and live for you then everything else won’t matter! I need to shed myself of the things that are standing between you and me, the things that I have let into my life and run it instead of listening to your plan.

Amen

no regrets

"Eat that damn chocolate cake, get your hair wet, love someone, dance in those muddy puddles, tell someone off, draw a picture with crayons like you’re still 6 years old and then give it to someone who is very important to you. Take a nap, go on vacation, do a cartwheel, make your own recipe, dance like no one sees you, paint each nail a different color, take a bubble bath, laugh at a corny joke. Get on that table and dance, pick strawberries, take a jog, plant a garden, make an ugly shirt and wear it all day, learn a new language, write a song, date someone you wouldn’t usually go for, make a scrap book, go on a picnic, relax in the sun, make your own home video, kiss the un-kissed, hug the un-hugged, love the unloved, and live your life to the fullest. So when you’re standing in front of heaven’s gate that chosen day, you’ll have no regrets, no sorrows, no disappointments."


THIS (found this at "and it's love" tumblr)

ponderings on my career...

The news tonight of a paramedic killed simply because he was doing his job has really hit me hard. I can't imagine, trying to help a suicidal pt, trying to convince them that life is worth living, to have them attack you and ultimately kill you.

I have been in EMS for about 7 years. I have not seen many gruesome things, I have not run many "bad" calls. I consider myself blessed for this. It keeps me loving this job, being the "sparky medic". I am far from burnout at this point thanks to this. The down side is when I do get one of those career or life alterating calls how will I do? Will I be prepared? Will I know what to do? Will I make the right decisions? I guess I truly won't know until it happens.

For now I do what I feel needs done for my patient. I am thankful for the docs here who are very cool with us smudging that medical command line. I do however find myself reviewing my protocols after many calls, especially if I find myself second guessing if I should have given that drug I was hesitant to or if I should have done more or less. I always try to err on the patient safety side. This has kept me out of court and still with a job this long. I am still hungry for more knowledge, for more experience. Knowledge is easy to find, even more so now that I have expanded into the blogger world and made some amazing contacts at EMS Today this year in Baltimore. The experience side still leaves me hungry for more. I want to experience more, heck I'd even settle for observing more. Anyone interested in having a medic ride along?? Hit me up and let me know!

personal rant...

I have been living with my roommate who is also my best friend for about 7 months now. I had always heard that living with your best friend never works out, and while I had tried living with friends beofre and never lasted an extended period of time, this time felt different. I guess the "honeymoon period" is coming to a quick close. In the last month I have noticed that either 1) she is doing more things that annoy me than beofre or 2) Im finally noticing things that she does that annoy the piss out of me.

The biggest beef I have lately is that I have begun to notice just how self absorbed she can be. While if I needed money, a ride, a fresh uniform at work, or dinner brought to me she would do it, but when it comes to other things that are not so materialistic she thinks only of herself. And when I point out to her the effects of her action or decisions had on me or anyone else I get one of 2 responses: 1) "I didnt think about that" or 2):well, theres nothing I can do about it now, Im sorry" or something along those lines.

The latest decisions affect not only me but a few other people. While I tend to hang with an older crowd I am used to having male and female friends who are married, and with that comes an almost special set of rules, especially when it comes to married male friends. I have learned the hard way that some men will be dogs, married or not and you can get yourself into a sticky situation very quickly without even knowing it until you are waist high in it. She recently has become close to a paticular married guy friend. This paticular guy is a newly wed, married a mere 6 months. His wife is also a friend of mine, and she has had her share of bad relationships and now is self-conscious about her significant other. My roommate has been doing a lot of texting and talking to this guy, enough that his wife has noticed the amount and has become concerned. She mentioned her concern to husband and when did not get a satisfactory response she expressed her concern to me in hopes that I would mention it to my friend and things could get fixed then, with no hurt feelings or awkward experiences.
Well, it didnt work. My RM decided to not listen to anything I had to say. After several conversations being the go between I decided to remove myself from the situation and told all parties involved I wished to be nuetral, and not part of any future parts. This has not worked either. Just tonight I received a msg from the wife about finding her husband at our house sitting on our couch in a pair of pants and no shirt, his shirt and shoes were in her bedroom....I am just at my wits end....this is only part of a complicated week. There are quite a few things that go into play here, but Im too exhausted just thinking about it. I blame myself for part of it. I just want to rewind about 2 weeks and start over from there and maybe things would be different if I had made a different decision. If I had paid more attention to a few details. While I am not perfect and don't claim to be, for I have definitly made enough bad decisions of my own in the past and sure to make more in the future, I dont want my best friend to make any decisions that she will regret later, but I can only do so much......

feeling better

Well, I am feeling better, I suppose thats a good thing. Although Im pretty sure I do have pink eye in BOTH eyes, Im heading to the doc this morning for the sore throat.

Besides that is has been an uneventful week at work....I am pulling a rare day shift on New Years Eve....so we shall see how that goes.

Thanks for reading!

be careful what you wish for

When I was in high school I went through a phase where I decided I did not like original spelling of my name. I guess I wanted to feel unique. The proper spelling of my name, given to me at birth is Stephanie. In high school (around the age of 15 maybe) I decided to start spelling it Steffanie. My parents and family did not like the idea of this. I went through this phase for a long time. My mother eventuallynhumored me and somehow the whole family began spelling my name Steffanie. It was as if someone passed a memo around to the family. When I got to college I continued this phase, confusing many professors, teachers, officers at the firehouse, and other new people who thought someone else made a mistake, since all of my "official" paperwork had my name spelled Stephanie. Well, about a year ago, maybe even two, I realized how silly this "phase" was. I began to respect my birthright, I guess you would call it, and began using the spelling of my name given to me at birth. I am now 25. The odd thing is, the majority of my family is still spelling my name Steffanie, even though I have been using the proper spelling on all cards, gifts, and our family website for the last year or so. I guess it's true you should be careful what you wish for....

giving thanks

ok, so I am double counting on this post...this is my "thanks" post for yesterday (the 15th) and today (the 16th) so that I dont keep feeling like Im a day behind.

for the 15th: Im thankful that I had a warm place to sleep today and a for the hot shower I had before work.

16th: Today Im going to be thankful for meeting new people....I believe people are brought into our lives for one reason or another....its figuring out what that reason is thats sometimes the hard part.

compliments

I am not the kind of person who receives a lot of compliments, or if I do I don't realize it...but today I received what I feel was a major compliment, not just me as a person, but me as a paramedic.

I was working tonight, a shift I normally don't work, but switched shifts for a fellow medic, and we were sitting at the nurses' station, just chit chatting, when one of the nurses (well she is a nurse practitioner now) mentioned they were hiring a medical assistant at her office, I was getting the info for a friend that I thought would be interested. She mentioned the pay "isn't that great", when I asked how much she said it was $12.00/hr. I was astonished folks, thats almost as much as I make as a medic at the hospital. She couldn't believe me, and gave the compliment that we, as medics should be making much more than $14-15/hr.

For now, I'm just going to have sweet dreams about that and continue working my 2 lower paying jobs...

giving thanks....

With Thanksgiving just around the corner I have seen a lot of media online about being thankful...I am going to attempt to list at least one thing a day I am thankful from now until the big Turkey day.


Today (well, 11/14/2009....)

I am thankful that father lived to see another year in his life, and that he is the best dad I could have been blessed with.

I am thankful for my "girlmate", my best friend and roommate, Sara. While we are two completely different people, we make great roommates and even better friends, she is definitly one of those people I can not imagine what my life would be like without her being in it. She is intelligent, is beautiful both inside and out, unique, and eccentric in her own way. I think living together is a new learning experience everyday. Sara- thanks for being my friend!!

Thats all I'll write about today....stay tuned for more to come!

angry

Today I am angry.

Im not sure exactly why. I woke up before my alarm, not neccissarily a good thing.
I found my roommate gone when I woke up, found she had gone to her parents. I thought we were going to hang out and do laundry today...

I have a few insecurities and my personal safety is one of them, when I found that my roommate had left the garage door wide open when she left to go to her parents today I found myself extremely angry...I felt like my personal safety had been violated, I was left sleeping in a house that was completely unsecured. (I am one of those people who check the locks on the door at least 2 times before going to bed and have been known to lock my bedroom as well.) I sleep like a rock, I would have known no difference if someone had walked into our house until it was too late. Did I mention my car (which is only a year old) was sitting unlocked in the garage, my keys (and my purse) sitting on the kitchen counter just inside the door?

Then I had to go to the laundrymat....I hate crowds, I hate strangers walking up to me and making small talk....(I know, I have issues...)I take my laptop and occupy my time there playing online and blogging usually, and usually it works so strangers will leave alone....but of course not today....sone guy decides today would be a good day to try and small talk after changing the football game I was half paying attention to so that he can watch his NASCAR....and then feels the need to talk football with me....ugh....

ok, so Im in a "off" mood today....maybe a cup of coffee will help, hope I shake this pissiness off before work tonight....

Friendly reminders

Don't forget to change your clocks and also the batteries in your smoke detectors and CO detectors, etc.

Oh and please enjoy your halloween, but be responsible, especially when consuming alcohol.........and please don't drink and drive!!

back from vacation

Took a week and went to the beach with a few girlfriends and had a blast. Didnt do much of anything...mostly read, lounged around, managed to squeeze in a manicure and pedicure and even a haircut...

These are the dogs that got to vacation with us, Harley on the left and Mox on the right. They are great dogs!!

Here is a view from our back upper deck. We stayed in ahouse on Topsail Island, NC. The weather was nice for a few days but we had a few rainy ones too. We could see dolphins from our back door.

But all good things must come to an end and here I am back at work, covered yesterday for a fellow medic who is sick and today am working a 24. Im looking forward to the nice weather that is predicted for today.

Island time

I arrived to Topsail Island, NC safe and sound after a rainy 460 mile drive....Im here for the week with 7 other girls....looking forward to doing absolutely NOTHING all week!!

bday trip

travelled to my folks place this weekend. yes, even with back pain, I couldnt resist making the trip because my mom, the wonderful mother she is, was baking me and my roommate a birthday cake (my bday is the 14th and my roomie's is the 23rd) and making favorite dish for dinner. So I popped a few of the pain killers the doc gave me, reclined the passenger seat of my own car (something I have rarely sat in) and let me roommate do all the driving for 250 miles while I was in and out of a conscious state, my roommate tells me I am rather hilarious when I am on drugs. The great roommate that she is did the same thing for me on the way home, although I managed more conscious time on the way back since I wasn't as "high", as she puts it. It was a great visit, just wish I could have seen the niece and nephew who were there last weekend...

back to the bat cave...

ok so its not exactly the bat cave...

Im back to working night shift. Im 7 hours into a 12 hour shift. We have only been dispatched to one call for a car into a utility pole, sounded pretty promising, sadly I was stuck sitting at the triage desk watching both my partners head out for the call. (someone has to hold things down back here I suppose)

I am grateful to be back on nights, or I think so for now. I am going to miss some of the daytime nurses that I seemed to have formed a relationship with. I initially thought I would absolutely hate day shift, but loking back, I actually enjoyed it. I got to run more calls, and have some learning experiences. I got to work with some nurses, doctors and paramedics I had not worked with before. I actually had enough time and energy after a shift to get things done at home, like mowing the lawn, or simply having dinner with my roommate and friends. On night shift I usually go straight home and crash, to get up and do it again, at least fr the 3 nights I usually work in a row. Guess we will have to see how things go. I have only had 3 cups of coffee thus far tonight and am doing better at 0200 than I thought I would be. I was pretty sure by time midnight rolled around I'd be dragging my feet.

On a personal note, I have been ill lately, not really sure whats going on, lots of interesting symptoms the strangest to me is that over the last 8-10 months I have noticed my body temp being low, around 96.4-96.8 on a regular basis. The doc initially thought it was my thyroid, everything came back normal (as it always has, even though I have had several docs think I have a thyroid problem). Guess we will just wait and see what the next step is.

Anywyas, you all stay safe out there, I'll keep you updated on how night shift is treating me

back to school?

So I know its been awhile....went on vacation and have been back to work for a week now.

I have been doing a ton of thinking lately and I think Id like to go back to school and get a bachelors degree....I have a major in mind, something that was formerly foriegn to me, but that now spikes my interest. Im looking into an online program so that it wont interfere with work. I dont think I can do an in-class program, maybe blended....

we shall see, but I dont see me starting this fall (little late for that) Maybe winter or spring, but I definitly want to start by next fall